Hi March 2010. You are a great month for me, you know. And here are the amazing reasons:

1. Job is continuously doing good, despite of my Focus Alert Warning and my idea of giving up. I also joined a part time job in which hopes are high yet I know, it's a good way to keep me busy.

2. I'm meeting new friends, reuniting with the old ones. I never felt so alone now. I swear, I could even go partying everyday because of unlimited invites. It's just that, I'm working. :)

3. Brutal GLAM, my online family is going to be back on track starting this March, with new members and an unbelievable photoshoot with Seven Barretto as our photographer. Seven Barretto, if you guys don't know, is a freelance fashion photographer of Meg Magazine. Check him out! (www.sevenbarretto.com)

4. My family is becoming a better family now. My Mom, Dad and sister are now engaged with God driven church activities. There are lesser fights inside the house and they are all focused in believing in God's purpose and to my dream to be successful.

5. And Lester, sent a message again, after my die-hard-lying-to-myself ego of pushing him away and forgetting everything. He sent a message again after a long time when I am already coping up. Again, he's trying to win me, when I'm already making my life perfect without him.

Here some of the messages:

First, he sent a group message:

"Goodevening! Hay namimiss ko yung taong nagpasamang bumili ng IpodShuffle(black) and Mario D Boro (white) alam mo kung sino ka. Kurik ik ik butchikik! :D
-GM
(ang bobo mo!) hahaha!
-09:17PM, March 07 2010

So I forwarded his message to him and asked him "Bakit may ganyan?" And he replied,

"Masama bang mamiss yung taong tinutukoy ko? :/"
-11:00PM, March 07, 2010

I said yes, because as far as I can remember, he chose this situation. He left me without respect.

"Hays, wala lang, sobrang miss lang talaga kita! Totoo, sorry talaga ah? Ingat ka papunta kila rondell, may magagawa pa ba ako para mabalik yung dati? :\"

I forgot what I've replied but I'm pretty sure this is when my emotions break down.

"Nirerespeto naman kita eh, pero hindi ko naman sinasadya na magiging ganun yung mangyayari. Hays. Sorry talaga? Gusto ko sana ibalik yung dating tayo? At walang halong kemekeme. Hays,kung alam mo lang talaga, dba sabi mo dati na hindi na tayo mag aaway? Wew"
-11:39PM, March 07, 2010

I told him that we are not fighting, nor enemies. We are in good terms in a not so good condition.

"Hays, sadyang ganito na lang nga siguro. Mahal ko si Mama, at alam ng Diyos yun. At kahit ikaw din naman eh, pero wala ako magagawa kung ayaw mu maniwala. Tandaan mo. Ikaw lang ang INAH na nakilala ko na nakapagpasaya sa akin na hindi magagawa ng iba.!"
-11:50PM, March 07,2010

And there is silence.

Then people will just say I'm bitter, without even trying to learn the story. And what do they expect of me? To pretend everything's fine. I'm done with pretending, and this time, masakit talaga. I'm not expecting the love anymore. Kahit respeto na nga lang e, as a friend to him.

I became the best fan of his life, in all the best ways that I can. I tried to be so strong, to be so wrong, to be everything that will please his desire. I wrapped up all the hurt as fun. I joked around the situation just to hide how painful everything is. How complicated, how trying hard, how out of reach, how futile this love story is.

But I never wanted any of this. I never asked myself to love him, like an accident, it just happens. All I know is I'm getting happier, alongside with the pain but I know that it can't be forever like that. Nakakapagod rin.

The last time I checked. It was his message, asking me if he's not allowed to have a partner if he has a connection with me. I never answered, and I'm glad I did not because hours after the message was sent, he already answered it. With a new partner, he flaunt and snobbed me. Heart shrinked, broken and hopeless, I put an ending to all my wishful thinking.

I will never see him again, I won't hate, but I'll get even. And the last resort is to be bitter, because I don't have any other emotion to erase the love I have for him. No other option.

It was stupid at first because it was really hard. Everywhere I go, I see him. Everytime I went blank, he occupies my mind. Well, I'm not sure if you know the feeling, but I hope you do. That certain feeling that moves you, that gives that specific cold down to your last spine, because there is that someone whom you love, unconditionally. Still, my equation was mind over heart, so I tried.

And honestly, it worked out. I realized, I can live without him. There's the hurt but everytime it attacks me, I'll just text Muhiko, and after her replies, I'm good again. It went on for weeks. Partying, drinking, living my life without him. Figuring out what's left of me.

But just last night, before midnight, every single sleeping emotion I have for him comes to life. The chill that shivers me, that fire of desire, the air he supplies. Like a game of chess, I was checkmate, and got distracted.


But I'm a Queen. And I can still move, wherever direction I want. I can move my life on how I want it.

Just like a game of chess, he distracted me again :(

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My Horoscope for today (February 01,2010) from FaceBook:

"There's some kind of magic in the air for you today, Scorpio. Romance and the release from pressures you've been dealing with could very well be happening, but following your intuition could lead you to a place where the unexpected or unknown is at hand. Do what is sensible but watch for a miracle. At the same time, make sure your view of things remains fixed on what they are, not what you would like (or dislike) them to be. Don't think a problem will go away just because you refuse to pay attention to it."


It alarmed me. For some straight to the point reason, the horoscope just hit me like a bullet. Not to say that it was very coincidental, of course, the horoscope's purpose is to guide, advice the reader and predict the future, but mostly it's not related at all, but this one's very close to what I really need: a clear message of what I have to do next.

Because what happened in N20, Timog last Saturday night is I tore Lester's picture that was given to me by his Mom and threw the pieces on the floor, then I pick one of the pieces and put it on the table, for everyone to see and know, specially Lester, that nothing matters anymore, not even a hint of sentimental value drama.

I have to do it. I have to stay away from Lester. I have to stay away from the greatest inspiration I have so far (well, aside from Muhiko of course) because everything is getting complicated and I'm getting hurt inside, worst after worst every single lie, every inch of love neglected. It was so hard trying to neglect Lester during that night. I want to hug him, I want to answer when he called me 'Baby', I want to sit next to him, I want him so bad but I just can't.

Paolo, my cousin's (Jester) ex and Lester's latest attraction, on the other hand thinks that he's the reason why I'm being so cold towards Lester, which is not true, not even because of jealousy.He even thought I'm mad, but he should know that I'm not, because anger is a very dirty emotion I hate to feel, because I explode, leaving scattered Inah Evans on every place he'll go to. It just happened that he's the last person involved with the same mistakes that Lester's keep on doing despite of all my effort to love him and advise him to do the right thing.

Before the night ended, I got the chance to talk to Lester (Thanks Mark Bisnar for the help!). Crying and pathetic, I said the things I want to say and mean every word. That it's not about just my love for him, but my love for her mother and why I am avoiding him. He just cried, he did not reply, not even a bit, and disappeared without even saying goodbye.

Maybe, my fight is over.

Here are some of the text messages of Lester's Mom to me. :(

_____________________


"e2 kktpus tpus ko lng laba,umalis na cna paolo at ter mgkkta dw kau mya nla ter s trinoma?skit ulo ko para ssbog pti dibdib ko mkirot,anak kung skali lng lagi mu pgssbhan c lester ha,wg mu pgswaan na paalalahanan cya ha,at wg ny kmo pbbyaan cna julia n juliance,hrap n hrap nko anak..dko nyta mkkya lhat ng problema ko slamat sa tym mu 4 me anak gus2 ko muna mgphnga na"
-January 30, 2010 | 12:16 PM




"minsan naiisip ko pnu kung 1 araw dnko mgcng pnu n cla,.. c ter pnu, anak bsta wg mu tatalikuran c ter ha kht na pasaway cy lagi ire2mind sknya na wg nya pbbyaan 2kptid nya..ha anak"
-January 30, 2010 |12:22PM




"i told ter na d2 ko papa nya mga kptid nya if he nids true love a love dat [needs] no conditions n kpalit,and attentions na kylangan nya,bkt kylangan pa nya hnapin un sa iba?..init lng ng ktawan un nga sbi ko ligo nya lng un..pero d ko cya hhyaan at pbbyaan at d pgsswaan na mhalin at paalalahanan, i kip on praying n mbgo ni lord ang anak ko na hipuin ang puso at isipan nya.in god nothing is imposible..bsta d lang bumibtiw s pnalangin at pnanamplataya sknya,.."
-January 31, 2010 | 07:04AM





"anak tenks 4 ol d effort n concern to my son.. i knw how much u love n care ky lester,but d nya inappreciate it..cyensya kna ha.kw lgi ka ingatz n specially ur health ok,d2 lng dn me 4 u pg u nid a mom,godblez u always anak"
-January 31, 2010 | 07:07AM




Speechless. :/
Tangina, mahal ko talaga e. :(

1 COMMENT (S)

They say that when you're made to choose between two good things, you must not just think of what you'll get when you pick one, but rather think of what you are going to lose when you don't choose the other. That really made sense to me, especially now that I'm bound to face the challenge of choosing and accepting the consequences behind whatever decision I may come up with.

But actually, I had already made a choice, between studies and work. To tell the tale again for neophyte's sake, I was supposed to be a graduating student this semester, taking up Bachelor of Science in Information and Communications Technology (a course I did not choose) with lot of theses to finish, which in the first place, was very hard and tough to accomplish. Then along came my very unexpected job interview at EPerformax. God knows I expected nothing, that I won't get the job but fortunately, I got it. I passed their interview and was set for a training maximum of nine weeks. I signed the training agreement because I was so happy. That is my very first job interview, first job training experience and I thought there's no harm of giving it a shot. Opportunity knocks once, so soft that you might not even hear it. ;)

Worst come to worst when I saw the schedule. The training was set during evening and I have class by morning. I tried to make things work out for me. I attended them both, but in the process, my body can't do it. It's either I give up schooling or the training. It's hard to keep myself awake when I only got 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I know you're thinking I should probably give up training because I will have better job when I finished studying but nowadays, things doesn't work out that way and though I value education I lot, I always think out of the box.

So eventually, I gave up my studies. I'll attend the training on evening and sleep the morning after. Same routine for a new beginning. Completely, I decided. Education and work are two good things, and in my situation, having a work, building a career, and following what makes me happy is better.

I promise, I'll go to school again :)

1 COMMENT (S)

I was trying to fix my things one day because I got so irritated of the mess it had been and then I found this old looking piece of paper, with torn sides with a very heartfelt message. Suddenly, I became so nostalgic in a funny way. It was a letter from my best friend, Brad Ass, way back December 2007 when he just informed me that we're officially best friends because, um, like in a relationship, our best friend status then was just mutual, hahaha. See, how corny could you get? He was the 'conyo' and I was the 'rocker' teenage type and so we don't blend with each other during that time. I don't know if you're going to get touched because of the message but I swear, I felt every words on it. So I decided to post the message here, not because of any hidden reason but only pure fun. I miss this. I love you Best Friend (*peace sign), I hope you'll forgive me about this. If luckily, I'll be on the mood to scan the letter, I'll just do some revising on this entry and place the scanned letter here. For the meantime, I just typed it. Unadulterated and unabridged. :P

Here it goes:








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I am a weak person.

But I look strong. It seems like I don’t have problems at all, actually, of course I have. Who on this planet doesn’t have any?

Back to being weak. I am really weak. When my USB got corrupted, I’ll get pissed off and became weak. I feel like I lost everything.

INSERT VERNACULAR SPEECH HERE:

Ulet. Mahina akong tao. Hindi lang ako makapasok tapos malaman kong may quiz pala nu’ng umabsent ako, nanghihina ako. O kaya kapag may aso sa dadaanan ko, sobrang nangangatog tuhod ko. Kapag wala nang stock ng gusto kong damit, nadidisappoint ako at nanghihina na mamili pa ng iba.

‘Yan ‘yung mga mababaw na bagay para sabihing mahina ako, nasa top ranking naman ang manakawan, maholdap, madapa sa harap ng madaming tao, ipagtabuyan ng taong mahal at IWANAN NG TAONG MAHALAGA. Isa lang diyan mangyari sa akin hindi ko na alam kung papano magsisimula. Parang humihinto ang pagtakbo ng neurocells ng utak ko. Taray, neurocells. Haha.

Pero bakit madami nagsasabi na mukhang lagi daw ako strong. Parang wala daw problema. Lagi daw masaya. Hep hep!

‘Yan ang unang paraan para maging malakas. Ang maging masaya. Minsan ‘di ba kahit mahina ka na, mismong sarili mong lolokohin mo na, na kunwari, matatag at happy ka pa. Ganu’n talaga. To feel strong you must be happy with yourself. Masunugan ka ng bahay, malaglagan ng anak, malaslasan ng bag o maiblog ng ibang tao, in the end, ikaw pa rin ‘yan e, and you are still breathing. Thus then, you must be happy. Sabi ng quote, laughter is the best medicine. Sa totoo lang, ang hirap itake ng gamot na ‘yan pero totoo. Kapag masaya ka, kapag tumatawa ka, nakakaboost ‘yan ng confidence, na parang, hey, habang may buhay may pag asa. So you should be happy, kahit pa ginagago ka ng mga so called friends mo.

Next thing is, always keep your eyes on the goal. Be determined. You are here for a reason. And you must stick on that reason. Kung ang reason kaya ka nandito ay para maghiganti sa lahat ng mukhang pusit na uminsilto sa pagkatao mo, go with it. Feel the emotion and remember your past. Dapat lagi mo isipin na gaano man magbago ang panahon, gaano ka man masaktan, ilang hapdi at hirap man maencounter mo, tandaan mo na pinanghihina ka ng lahat na ‘yan. At sa oras na maggive up ka, ikaw ang talo. Wala ka na nga napatunayan in the past dahil vulnerable ka sa pain, papano ka pa in the future kung magpapakahina ka? Kaya be determined to prove to yourself that you are strong enough on winning the goal. Lahat ng tao nagtatagumpay sa buhay. ‘Yan ang totoo. Kahit pa ang mga basurerong walang tahanan, they did succeed, na makapangolekta ng basura, kasi maybe, ‘yun ang kaya ng strength nila. It wasn’t enough for the better goal, kasi pinili nila na hanggang du’n na lang. Kaya you must be determined.

Third is NEVER HEAL THE PAIN. Lalo ka lang manghihina kapag ginagamot ang sugat ng nakaraan. Kung sino mang gago ang may gawa niyan, expected nu’n is, matagal bago gumaling o gagamutin mo agad. Huwag mo gagamitin. Hayaan mong mahapdi at fresh lagi ang sakit. ‘Di ba nga, ang sundalong nasusugatan, lalong lumalaban. Hayaan mong sariwa lahat ng bawat bahid ng sakit at mga bagay na nakakapanghina sa ‘yo, para sa ganu’n ay maisip mo na mayroon ka pang dapat asikasuhin bago maggamot ng sugat. Sa ending na ‘yang healing process e. Pero habang you need to be strong, you must feel like being torn apart. Kapag mahapdi, masarap. Masarap magpakatapang. Trust me. At hindi ba, mas masarap gamutin ang sugat kapag alam mong hindi na ulit ‘yun masusugatan. Nakakatalo ng isang tao kapag ginamot mo na then susugatan ulit, paulit ulit ang proseso, kahit gaano ka ka strong, may tendency na mag give up ka because of repetition. Life is too short, play it well.

Ang pang apat? Forgive once. Period. Kapag nagkamali ulit, tama na. Sympathy cannot be inspired by any sweet nothings nor promises. Dito nagkakatalo ang mga taong malalakas, kaya humihina, kasi nagpapatawad. Sabi ng kawikaaan, kung ang Diyos nga marunong magpatawad, ang tao pa kaya? Alam mo sagot diyan, ang Diyos ba nasasaktan? Powerful na siya e, he knows how to heal pain. Pero tao tayo, prone masaktan, at lumaban. OK sige, Forgiveness is God’s greatest gift daw according sa The Da Vinci Code na libro. Forgive once. Pero kapag inulit, aba, gaguhan na ‘yun! Tao ka at ‘di ka nabuhay para magpatawad. Ang madre ba kapag ginahasa magpapatawad rin? See? Being practical is the key for survival;. You must always know na dati, nasaktan ka. And if you keep accepting them in your life again, mas lalo malaki ang chances na masaktan ka ulit, at manghina lalo. By that time, defeatable ka kasi they have defeated you once e, ‘di na mahirap ang pangalawa. Kaya please, MANOOD KA NG KILL BILL. Hahaha. To be strong is to keep in mind that someone and you have unfinished business

Lastly is, always remember, for the greater good. Kapag ito summary nu’ng apat e. O, iniwan ka ng syota mo, e ano, isipin mo there are greater things that will happen. Huwag ka maniwala na siya na ang huli, na siya ang buhay mo blah blah blah. Cross out mo ang mga salita. Action speaks louder than words at Job well done is better than words well said. ‘Yan, araw araw mo irecite para ‘di ka manghina. Ilibre ka lang ng sine, ng pagupit, ng havaianas, ng libreng sex bumibigay ka. KAHIT PA SI ZEUS ‘yan, may pride ka pa rin at mag isip na it is always FTGG. For the greater good. Makasakit ka man ng iba, may mas mahalagang bagay na kapalit ‘yun. Quote sa palabas ni Angelina Jolie na Wanted is Kill one, save a thousand. Hindi na uso ang magsaalang alang ng kapakanan ng ibang tao. Sige nga, kaligayahan mo o ng ibang tao? O trip mo magpakamartir. Love yourself kasi hiram lang ‘yan. Huwag mo mahalin ang ibang tao masyado dahil mismo sila mas mahal ang sarili nila. Keber naman nila sa ‘yo ‘di ba? So it must be for the greater good. Di ko naman sinabing maging selfish ka. Kapag fully furnished na lahat ng atraso ng ibang weak factors sa ‘yo, saka mo sila asikasuhin pero hanggang weak ka, no no muna. Lalo ka lang manghihina. Alright? Pa'no ka magmamahal ng ibang tao kung sarili mo nga 'di mo kayang mahalin ng buo.

Parang ang demonic ng mga tip ko pero promise effective ‘yan, based on experience kaso ang problema lang, ang dali dali itype pero ang hirap panindigan.

Syempre papano ‘yung mga factors na mahal niya ako, naguguluhan lang siya kaya niya ako nasaktan, or mahal ko siya kaya kapag sinaktan ko siya, masasaktan rin ako OR hindi ko kaya manakit ng ibang tao OR mas pipiliin kong maging mahina na lang kesa magpanggap na malakas ako.

Ang sagot ko diyan: WHTVR.

O sige, magpakagaga ka over your stupid reasons para sa susunod, para kang earthworm na binudburan ng asin. Nangingisay sa hirap at hinang hina. Para kang Prinsesa pero may koronang tinik.

How be strong? Is to feel that you are strong. Ganu’n kasimple.

I remember my time when I was crying kasi nag away away kami nila Brad tapos kinausap ako ng Mama ko, she said so many things pero eto na lang naaalala ko "kapag nagmahal ka, dapat handa kasi tao ka e, at bilang tao, vulnerable ka sa pain."

Make sense? Tao ka. Vulnerable sa pain. Pero tao ka, and you can yourself either be IMMUNE of DEFENSIVE against pain

Alam ko, corny ang pagkakadeliver ng mga tip pero sana, it some ways, it helps.

(First posted on http://dolphina.blog.friendster.com/2008/08/how-to-be-strong/)

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Of all the good things a blog can offer, I may say that letting you express what you feel, with or without anybody appreciating it, is one of the topmost privileges it have. It is not all the time that you can have a friend that can understand you, especially in times when you cannot understand even your own self. Sometimes, what we need is something that would not react on us, no matter how pissed off we are or how pointless we could be. At one point or another, there will come a time when we prefer to be alone. We will prefer to have no one around us, so that no one will argue about how we wanted to be different, or how we take our problems and why we silently cry over mistakes we never learned from. Sometimes, all we need is a blank page and a blinking cursor, waiting for our emotion to pour, and it will glide as we think.


Today is the very first day of the year two thousand and ten and yet, another normal day wasted for self pity and self confusion. Everytime I wake up and no one's at home, I always start to think what am I going to do now that I am awake, and alone. When it feels that it's not a good time to eat or to listen to music, I ended up thinking about my problems-my future problems.


Months from now, I should be marching on stage, accepting my diploma and finally finishing off my college. At last, I'll be done schooling, my family is going to be proud of me and I'll have the best job after. But that's the vision. Because in reality, I was absent for almost three weeks in school and I need a lot catching up to do regarding my back subject, my theses and my OJT, I applied for a job and got accepted for the job training but now I'm on the edge of giving it up
because I am so confused. I would not put all the blame in my school (though they deserve to have every inch of it) because I have been a lazy student myself but I became stubbornly lazy due to our school's stupidity. First, they don't have enough Professors even though we're paying the right tuition fee and second, if ever they have, those are not the one really applicable for the course and for that job. We will almost have no professors for months and then they're going to give us one, when the semester is nearly over. The worse part is that the Professor is going to give us a lot of things to do, forced us to have classes during our free days and vacation just to meet his prescribed work time hours and the result, we'll cram, we'll procrastinate, we'll sacrifice even if it's not our fault and we're going to get lazy, like what I've felt. And they doesn't have the best teachers. Some are just training qualifiers and the like. Third would be the lack of proper facilities for the students. Fourth is that they suck. Bigtime.


The problem? The problem is the reality that I am so far from reaching the goal. I should have attended my Probability and Statistics class (for my back subject completion) which started last November 2009 but until today, I wasn't even attended a single class. Another is the tough requirement for our theses, to read, reflect a research five related and not related theses for the other, and to comply with the defense on the other one. Everything is all tied up and if I will not make a decision as soon as possible, I will be left tongue tied with the consequences.


So I thought you'll be asking why are those happening, and so my answer is time. Insert time management, time pressure, time table, timeless, Filipino time and what's not. I don't have enough time. Why again? Because I am on training. Yeah, work training. And if you're going to ask me why I chose to work. Uhh, as if I really have a choice.


After I have discovered a lot of flaws in my last semester and the fact that I don't really like my course and did learn nothing about it entirely, the horror of the future attacked me. My Aunt (who pays for all the school expenses) is expecting that I'm going to graduate this year and that I'll find a good job so that I can be able to help my family and to continue the tuition grant for my little sister (because she's going to stop sending money this year :o). By fate, I was crowned to be the breadwinner of my family. How the hell am I going to be the breadwinner if I'm not even sure if I'm going to graduate? That is why I think ahead, I think out of the box, that if I'm supposed to be the provider of our family in the very fast approaching future, I should act really fast too.


So I decided to work.

I applied for a job, attended the powerhouse cocktail, answered the interview, then I got in. I got in for the training. I got accepted in a company with high standard and different policies. I thought I already have a job, but I was wrong.

I have just wheeled myself into another rocky road. A rockier and critical one.

*to be continued.

1 COMMENT (S)

2009 has been the toughest of all my year so far, having the pressure of the last year of college specifically if I'm going to make it, the ups and lows of Brutal Glam and my undying willpower to make it strong, meeting new friends and proving them what and who am I, leaving my teenage life and finally becoming a young adult and my first ever job opportunity.

I know it's been a lot and it's going to be tougher tomorrow as the New Year starts. The resume of classes and the horror of our thesis completion, my ultimate goal to have a good job and to continue handling Brutal Glam including all the fresh new gossips around it. Whoo, what a blast for 2010.

Moving forward, let me refresh your memory about the things we have learned in Kindergarten which I guess is significant enough to remember as we embark on another journey of our lives starting tomorrow.


1. Share everything

2. Play fair

3. Don't hit people

4. Put things back where you found them

5. Clean up your own mess

6. Don't take things that aren't yours

7. Say sorry when you hurt somebody



And I believe that those remains true no matter how many New Year we are going to encounter. Have a very happy and meaningful new year everyone. Have your resolutions ready because there's nothing more satisfactory than to have promises for yourselves which you find so hard to follow.


Rules are rules and breaking them is a fun way to learn.

Happy New Year! :)

0 COMMENT (S)

Today is the last Sunday of 2009 and the last of all my winning streaks. That's what I've guessed.

Back by December 24, I had my medical check up in a clinic near our house only to find out the reason why I am always catching my breath and having dry coughs. I was diagnosed with Asthma (click here for an overview) that is why I have to take medication including nebulizing and taking up tablets and capsules of Asthma prevention medicines.

Being sick is the challenge because before it happened, I already have previous commitments for myself. I still have to balance my time for school and for work (which is a really hard thing to do) and as well continue handling my online group, Brutal Glam, that have just turned 2 years old this Christmas and I have to do those things still, even I'm sick. :(

But it's not easy. At work, I'm still under training, for six weeks now, hoping to be certified, one of these days. I only have until the ninth week to prove myself or else, worst come to worst, I'll be out of the company. I already love EPerformax and I don't want any other company to work with that's why I'm really praying to get certified this Wednesday.

And umm, talking about Brutal GLAM, I honestly admit that the group is on it's down low now, having all the members busy with their lives especially when a lot is graduating this school year and the others are busy with their affairs with someone. So, OK, I know we'll all be reunited this Summer.

What more? I don't know what to say more, just an advance happy new year guys. I think I'm going to change my Blog layout before the new year for a more 2010 look. Yey! :)


You all take care, and I really miss bonding with you.

0 COMMENT (S)

We make our own fortune and call them fate. We choose our own path and call it destiny. We'll do things that make us happy and when the consequences turned out the other way we expect it to be, we blame the stars and call the misfortune a karma. But still, we do the things that satisfy our curiosity, our endless desire for answers, that is why when we get the wrong answers, we just disappoint ourselves.

I have never been disappointed with myself, at least that's what I remembered. I had chosen countless decisions that changed many things about my life, most of them are provocatively worst but even I stand corrected sometimes, I still stand up for my decisions, at any cost. One thing I learned about standing up with your decisions is that, at the end of it all, it will always be you that will stand up for the outcome.

So, I'm standing up for something I have started now. I am not getting any younger but I am not older to prove that I can still be someone someday. No one told me that having a job is going to be easy.

And I'm going to do this, until I get certify. :)

0 COMMENT (S)

Hello December!

Finally the last month of 2009 arrived. Aside from Christmas, another significant event that will take place on the 25th of December is Brutal Glam's second anniversary. Hurray! My unbelievable family is already two years old. Cheers for the succeeding years to come! :)

Now, since I can get online for a lot of time every weekends, I may just have a recap of updates about the things that make me busy all throughout the week.



WORK:

The training is still on going. Third week is finally over and starting later, we'll be on Week 4. I'm so proud of myself already that I have remained true to my goal to stay in the training until I get certified. It is then scheduled this week the certification of all the trainees that will passed the DIET training of EPerformax. Things are getting tougher and I must say that getting a (good) job really requires an excellent determination and mind focus. God, give me more strength to keep going. Certification will be done weekly and until the 9th week only. If I did not get certified during the 9th week, I will get no job at EPerformax, so wish me luck and though I'm not expecting to get certified this week, please pray for me that I might be able to be one soon. :)


SCHOOL:

I just got enrolled last week and everything about school is whacked. Our section had been dissolved and the remaining pieces of the class are distributed unevenly to other sections that needs student to complete the 50+ students per class ratio. I was enrolled as a Section C student and due to almost lack of sleep everyday (because of the training), I have decided to start going back to class this week, which mean to say, that is tomorrow. I don't have class every Monday and Thursday so I'll start every Tuesday until Saturday. I'm pretty messed up this semester, taking up the completion of the thesis and Probability and Statistics again with the second years. Bad back subject.

Hope that I graduate in time.


FAMILY:

Well, thank you God for giving me a great family that as of now, is doing OK. They're very active on church though I can't join them because I am really busy or if not, very tired, but that's OK. Mom's now working as a caregiver while Dad do some house chores without tantrums and he's not drinking anymore. My sister is doing well at school and at home, especially about decorating it and accompanying our parents when buying appliances. Plus, she even got the laptop a SUN Broadband. Yippee!



FRIENDS:

Well it really feels like I have almost lost my social life. Even on the weekends, I'm unable to go out because sleeping seems to be a luxury for me. I can't help. Three straight weeks without going to bars and stuff, that's a record. However, I did have some drinking sessions with my officemates every Saturday right after the shift. But above all else, I miss Brutal GLAM, I miss Muhiko and everyone else I go partying with.

Work is a very serious choice that requires a very serious sacrifices and I must admit, the night life is on the top of the sacrifices list. :(


LOVE:

It's still him. Well, it's always been him since August. I really miss Lester a lot.



That's all for now I guess. I'll keep you posted. Miss you.


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November 14.

My first ever job interview took place. It was an exclusive cocktail powerhouse held on 12th floor, Pacific Star Building located in Makati Avenue corner Gil Puyat Avenue, Makati City. Earlier before the interview, I was in doubt about coming there but since Adrian, Muhiko and Roland told me that I should give it a try, I did. It was scary in a first time kind of way, specially that I have arrived late for the activity or whatsoever. So there, after filling up some forms and eating, (they got free finger foods!) the interview began. I was nervous, even after the interview. Noted that as we all waited for the announcement, the HR called almost all the applicant in my batch leaving me and the other three in the waiting lounge. Just when I thought I did not make it, the HR came out again together with those who have been called first. Then it was official, that I am accepted, together with the other three.

I got the job. :)

November 16 - November 27.

First two weeks of my training. My shift begins at 11:00PM and ends 7:00 in the morning. It was fun, learning new things, meeting new friends and having new plans for the future. Though the training is quite tough and really competitive, I must say I am enjoying every bit of it. Every night is a challenge and every lesson is a lesson learned forever. The consequences though is that, I am really occupied every weekdays. School in the morning, job by night. Giving up the party life is really a hard choice but I know this is for the best.


November 30.

Infront of this computer, I am humbly asking for your effort to please include me in your prayers, that I may have enough strength and will power to go on with the job, and to be blessed enough to get certified during our 4th week (that's our first certification, if we're fortunate to passed the exams) :)


The sad part though of everything that's happening is the fact that I am still trying to reach out for Lester's time and heart but to no avail, it only left me bigger bruises in the heart.

Hope Christmas this year will be a happy holiday for me.


So there, at least now you know why I am busy. We'll get over all soon I know. Good luck to all of us, and wish that one day, I won't care about Lester anymore.

Love you, dear Stranger.


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Silenced is about giving up love in two different perspectives.

SECOND PERSON:

“Mahal kita”

‘Yun ang sabi ko. Sa hindi mabilang na mga tanong sa isip niya, iyon lang ang aking sagot. Sa hindi mapunang mga patlang ng pagtataka, pangamba, takot at pagdadalawang isip, nanatiling iyon ang aking sagot. Hindi magbabago. Hindi magsasawa. Hindi mawawala. Sa bawat lumilipas na araw, oras, panahon at paninindigan, wala siyang dapat panghinayangan. Kampante akong totoo ang aking sinabi. Walang dahilan para bumuo siya ng sariling haka haka ng paglisan. Hindi ako aalis, ang pangako ko pa. Malaki ang pag asa niyang gustong ialay sa aking mga salita, pero hindi niya mabitaw bitawan ang mga tanong na walang katiyakan tungkol dito.

Tiningnan ko siya sa kanyang mga mata, at muli kong sinabi ang mga salitang iyon. Sa pagkakataong ito, gusto kong basahin niya sa aking mga mata ang bawat salitang lumalabas mula sa aking labi. Kung maaari lang, parang gusto kong huwag na sana tumakbo ang oras mula sa sandaling iyon dahil gusto kong matapos na ang lahat. Gusto kong maniwala siya na totoo nga ang lahat. Gustong kong maramdaman niya ang mga salitang iyon, hindi ang marinig o mabasa man lang sa aking mga mata. Pero hindi ko magawa. Sa kauna unahang pagkakataon sa aking buhay, napaniwala ko ang aking sarili na kayang utusan ang puso, at naididikta ng puso ang pwedeng isipin ng utak. Pakiramdam ko, sarili ko ang aking buhay at tagapangalaga ako ng lahat ng bahagi nito. Alam kong gusto niya ako, at lahat ng sinasabi ko ngayon, ngunit hindi niya magawang maniwala. Magulo at komplikado. Isang kataga lang iyon na parang walang saysay at pwede kong sabihin kahit kanino subalit alam kong iba ang dating sa kanya. Nagtatalo lahat ng natitirang emosyon sa diwa ko ngayon. Lahat ng pwede kong sabihin sana, bigla kong nakalimutan.

Matagal na niya akong minamahal. Iyon ang sigurado ko at alam kong alam niya iyon. Sa proseso, muntik niya na halos makalimutang mahalin ang kanyang sarili. Matagal na panahon ko na siyang nasasaktan kahit alam kong wala akong magagawa para huwag mangyari iyon. Nagseselos siya kapag nalalaman niyang may iba pang nagmamahal sa akin, at ‘di siya nag iisa. Kahit alam niyang wala siyang laban, hindi niya sinuko ang pinakakonkretong bagay na pinanghihiwakan niya noon at ngayon, ang mahalin ako. At hindi ko alam kung bakit. Hindi ko talaga alam ang dahilan kung bakit sa dami ng tao sa mundo, sa laki ng tsansang makakita siya ng iba, sa huli ay ako at ako pa rin. Akong nagsasabing mahal ko na siya dahil ayoko na siyang masaktan pa, dahil wala siyang ginagawang masama . Kahit na dati pa, hindi ko siya magawang mahalin. Hangga't maaari, ayokong nag aalala siya sa akin.

Pero ngayon, gusto kong pawiin sa kanyang isip lahat ng sakit na naramdaman niya sa mga panahon na masyado niya akong minahal. Mahal ko siya, para matapos na. At ang dami tuloy ngayong tanong na hindi ko mahanapan ng sagot. Buti pa noon, magulo lang, kasi ngayon, mas magulo. Mas magulo na hindi ko matanggap kung ito ba ang totoo. Mas magulo na hindi ko mapalaya ang sarili ko sa napakaraming sugat na maaaring iwan ng kasinungalingang pinipilit kong paniwalaan niya ngayon. Sa tinagal ng kanyang panaginip habang siya ay gising, tila kusa na yatang natuto ang aking puso na maging manhid.

Pinagmasdan ko ang kanyang mga mata, sa loob nito ay nakikita ko ang aking mga pangarap, unti unting napupunit sa milyong maliliit na piraso at tinatangay ng hangin palabas sa kanya mga mata, patungo sa walang hangganang kawalan. Sa pagbukas ng kanyang mga labi, kasabay ng mga salitang pinakakawalan niya ay ang mga pangako ko sa aking sarili na hinding hindi ko makakalimutan, tinatangay rin ng hangin patungo sa aking mata, pumapasok hanggang sa aking utak. Nagsimula ako matakot at maniwalang may pag ibig na walang hanggan at dapat pasinungalingan, kahit walang patutunguhan. Sapagkat ito ang katotohanan ng buhay, ang magmahal. Hinawakan niya ang aking mga kamay at saka inilapat sa kanyang mga pisngi.

“Maraming salamat”

Ang sabi niya. Sana naramdaman ng kanyang mga kamay ang nais kong maramdaman niya, sa halip na marinig. Nakatitig siya sa aking mga mata at alam kong nakikita niya rin ang sarili niyang pangarap, pinupunit sa milyong maliliit na piraso…

At saka ako pumikit.

1 COMMENT (S)

Silenced is about giving up love in two different perspectives.

FIRST PERSON:

“Mahal kita”

‘Yun ang sabi niya. Sa hindi mabilang na mga tanong sa isip ko, iyon lang ang kanyang sagot. Sa hindi mapunang mga patlang ng pagtataka, pangamba, takot at pagdadalawang isip, nananatiling iyon ang kanyang sagot. Hindi daw magbabago. Hindi magsasawa. Hindi mawawala. Sa bawat lumilipas na araw, oras, panahon at paninindigan, wala daw ako dapat panghinayangan. Kampante siyang totoo ang kanyang sinabi. Walang dahilan para bumuo ako ng sariling haka haka ng paglisan. Hindi daw siya aalis, ang pangako pa niya. Malaki ang pag asa kong gustong ialay sa kanyang mga salita, pero hindi ko mabitaw bitawan ang mga tanong na walang katiyakan tungkol dito.

Tiningnan niya ako sa aking mga mata, at muli niyang sinabi ang mga salitang iyon. Sa pagkakataong ito, parang gusto niyang basahin ko sa mga mata niya ang bawat salitang lumalabas mula sa kanyang mga labi. Kung maaari lang, parang gusto kong huwag na sana tumakbo ang oras mula sa sandaling iyon dahil gusto ko nang sumuko. Gusto kong maniwala na totoo nga ang lahat. Gustong kong maramdaman ang mga salitang iyon, hindi ang marinig o mabasa man lang sa kanyang mga mata. Pero hindi ko magawa. Sa kauna unahang pagkakataon sa aking buhay, napaniwala ko ang aking sarili na hindi nauutusan ang puso, at hindi naididikta ng puso ang pwedeng isipin ng utak. Pakiramdam ko, may sarili pa silang buhay at tangapangalaga lang nila ako. Alam kong gusto ko siya, at lahat ng sinasabi niya ngunit hindi ko magawang maniwala. Magulo at komplikado. Isang kataga lang iyon na parang walang saysay at pwede niya sabihin kahit kanino subalit iba ang dating sa akin. Nagtatalo lahat ng natitirang emosyon sa diwa ko ngayon. Lahat ng pwede kong sabihin sana, bigla kong nakalimutan.

Matagal ko na siyang minamahal. Iyon ang sigurado at alam kong alam niya iyon. Sa proseso, muntik ko ngang makalimutang mahalin ang aking sarili. Matagal na panahon na akong nasasaktan kahit alam kong wala akong karapatan. Nagseselos ako kapag nalalaman kong may iba pang nagmamahal sa kanya, at ‘di ako nag iisa. Kahit alam kong wala akong laban, hindi ko sinuko ang pinakakonkretong bagay na pinanghihiwakan ko noon at ngayon, ang mahalin siya. Dahil hindi ko alam. Hindi ko talaga alam ang dahilan kung bakit sa dami ng tao sa mundo, sa laki ng tsansang makakita ako ng iba, sa huli ay siya at siya pa rin. Siya na nagsasabing mahal niya ako ngayon. Samantalang dati, hindi niya naman ako magawang mahalin. Ayaw niya pa ngang nag aalala ako para sa kanya.

Pero ngayon, gusto niyang pawiin ko sa aking isip lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko sa mga panahon na masyado ko siyang minahal. Mahal niya daw ako. At ang dami tuloy ngayong tanong na hindi ko mahanapan ng sagot. Buti pa noon, masakit lang, kasi ngayon, mas masakit. Mas masakit na hindi ko matanggap kung ito ba ang totoo. Mas masakit na hindi ko mapalaya ang sarili ko sa napakaraming sugat na iniwan sa akin ng lahat ng sakripisyo kong nagawa para lang marinig ko ang mga salitang ‘yan. Sa tinagal ng aking panaginip habang ako ay gising, tila kusa na yatang natuto ang aking puso na maging manhid.

Pinagmasdan ko ang kanyang mga mata, sa loob nito ay nakikita ko ang aking mga pangarap, unti unting napupunit sa milyong maliliit na piraso at tinatangay ng hangin palabas sa kanya mga mata, patungo sa walang hangganang kawalan. Sa pagbukas ng kanyang mga labi, kasabay ng mga salitang pinakakawalan niya ay ang mga pangako ko sa aking sarili na hinding hindi ko makakalimutan, tinatangay rin ng hangin patungo sa aking mata, pumapasok hanggang sa aking utak. Nagsimula ako matakot muli at maniwalang may pag ibig na walang hanggan at dapat ipaglaban, kahit walang patutunguhan. Sapagkat ito ang katotohanan ng buhay, ang magmahal. Kaya hinawakan ko ang kanyang mga kamay at inilapat ko sa aking mga pisngi.

“Maraming salamat”

Ang sabi ko. Sana naramdaman ng kanyang mga kamay ang nais kong maramdaman niya, sa halip na marinig. Nakatitig siya sa aking mga mata at alam kong nakikita niya rin ang sarili niyang pangarap, pinupunit sa milyong maliliit na piraso…

At saka ako pumikit.

1 COMMENT (S)

I should have done this a long time ago but I was too busy enjoying the lame show of your company. So, OK now, I'm quite in the mood of telling the carnival people to stop their show and move on. Chop chop :)

You guys are funny. Literally. I mean, let us all admit it, in no way or another, it's obvious, we are your standard. For that, we must be happy in behalf, BUT we are not. Why? First, you self proclaimed. Yeah, self proclaimed capitalized. You brag about about the corny stuff you believed in. Creating superstars that only you can recognize, gossiping rumors no one cares about and you all suck the good air around us. Second, you have edited your expectations because your expectations cannot meet your defined expectations. Get it? With all due respect, there are people who were born, armed with nothing but confidence, to lie about the fact that they are less than nothing. We are all imperfect, I know that, and there are the imperfect times ten, and you guys fall on to that level. I am not saying that we are perfect but I must say that there's part of us that are more excellent than yours. Lastly, you are all coward and fag. You're going to tell others how much you hate us but then in the backstage, you just can't. As if. You wouldn't go to war with a weak army, or no, you're all strong but with disgusting guns and bombs.

Alright, this is now a long hate blog entry for you carnival people. I hope your little chunks absorbed even a little hint that you should stop acting like some casts of a royal Castle, because we all know, there's only one Queen and only one Castle that you all look up to.

It takes one to know one, unfortunately, it will not happen in your case. But don't get sad, get even. Who would not want a nasty cat fight with the people from the carnival?


Yeeha.

Dream on Losers.

0 COMMENT (S)

This is my four part text message to Lester after I have sent him a text message that had hurt his feeling. On everything that's contradicting between my feelings for him and the real world that can see us, finally, I have made the hardest decision that will hurt me as long as it matters. :(


ONE:

Hi, Good Morning Lester. Today, ga'no man kapainful, I want you to know that you are totally free from my selfishness and love. I am really sorry for everything that I've said to you last Sunday morning. I really am. Gaya ng sabi ko kagabi, lasing ako nu'n, madaming problema at gusto lang talaga kita makasama that day. You are well aware naman kung sino ka sa buhay ko e, kahit ano pa ang sabihin ko, alam mo kung sino at kung ano ka para sa akin. So ayu'n nga, sorry kung nasaktan ka sa mga nasabi ko. Never ko na ulet gagawin sa 'yo 'yun. I know you'll be happy after this kase alam kong nasasakal ka na rin sa akin.

TWO:

Pero gusto kong malaman mo na masakit kapag 'di mo ako nirereplyan, kapag 'di kita nakakasama, kapag 'di mo ako kinakausap, kapag hindi kita nayayakap, kapag 'di ka gumagawa ng paraan, o kapag ayaw mo lang. Masakit lahat ng bagay na naglalayo sa ating dalawa. Masakit magmahal ng taong alam mong 'di ka mamahalin sa paraang gusto mo. Masakit ipaglaban sa mata ng ibang tao na iba ka, na kung alam lang sana nila kung papano mo ako napapasaya at kung gano kita kailangan para lang umayos ang mood ko, para mainspire, para makalimot sa problema kahit papano. Masakit ang malamang nasasaktan rin kita. At pinakamasakit kagabi nang marealized kong dapat ko nang tigilan 'tong nararamdaman ko.

THREE:

Sa totoo lang, natatawa nga ako sa sarili ko e, kung bakit sinasabi ko pa lahat ng 'to sa 'yo kahit na alam kong wala ka naman talaga pakialam. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung nababasa mo pa hanggang sa part na 'to. Pero tutal naman nga, nagpapaalam na ako kaya sasabihin ko na rin lahat ng pwede ko pang sabihin. Gusto kong malaman mo na sobrang binago mo ang mundo ko. Hindi ko nga akalaing magagawa ko halos lahat para lang huwag kang mawala, at ikaw, heto, wala ka namang ginawa pero hindi ako mawala wala sa 'yo. Hindi kita sinusumbatan, dahil alam kong 'di mo naman 'to hiniling, kaya sorry ulit, dahil ikaw pa ang minahal ko. Huwag ka sanang magagalit sa akin kasi 'di ko rin naman 'to hiniling. Ang hirap hirap, kung alam mo lang. :(

FOUR:

Ikaw ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa akin ngayong taon Lester, so far. Gaano ko man gustuhin na huwag ka na lang sana mawala sa buhay ko, alam kong mas OK na rin sigurong ganu'n. Hihilingin ko 'to sa 'yo dahil sa 'di ko kayang gawin at patunayan sa sarili ko, sana iwasan mo na ako, kung pwede, kalimutan pa, para 'di ko man magawa, at least ikaw na ang kusang lalayo. Alam kong you'll be a better person someday. Huwag na huwag mo sasayangin ang sarili mo, maraming pangarap ang Mama mo para sa 'yo, huwag mo siyang bibiguin.

So, sorry ulit sa lahat ng masasakit na bagay na nagawa ko. Thank you sa pagpaparamdam o pagpapanggap na kahit papano'y mahal mo ako at goodbye.

Mamimiss kita, at 'di kita makakalimutan, kahit pilitin ko. Ingat ka lagi.


-Inah

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You know what is everyone's big time bullshit? That is when you fall in love, and then you force yourself not to be, when you know for a certain that it's a little too late. Haha.


I have wrote this poem again, for that someone who doesn't even take time to read it.



One More For The Last Time
by Inah Evans



All the perfect regrets I've used was waiting all along
And I'm wondering how you feel about it
The plain slothfully moments of putting the pressure over you
Is now the biggest mistake I am trying to subdue

I wasn't prepared enough for this kind of parting ways
For we've known how sweet we were in our tragic past
How every single whisper of your voice
Makes everything around me fades from red to gray

But now the sweet memories just slipped away
Everything beautiful was now out of control
And I am trying to be the better for the last time
Because we may not see each other again forever

For every mistakes we try to conquer
Stil we've reach the last chance for the last kiss
What you don't understand above all this misery
Is that the end of us will be the end of me.

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I now stand myself up for, the greatest fall of my life, for all time. :(

Alright, to be honest to the world, I am in great trouble right now. It has been weeks since my problems finally sink in inside my unbelievable piece of meat inside my skull. Though I haven't focused on anything that can brought up some solution yet, I have completely absorbed the reality of what will happen next, counting days and months and years from now. Everything is going so wrong. And here I am, talking about how messed up I am despite the fact that 50 percent of the readers don't care and the other 50 are glad that these things are happening to me, that's why we should not tell people about all our problems, but that's not applicable with me, concerning my situation. I'm almost on the edge of giving up and I really need to tell my problem at least, even to my Blog account who's always been there, listening to all my brain drained entries that satisfy my craving to talk, without sounds.


Like a domino, my problems are falling one by one, hitting me harder as they fall all on me, faster and faster as the previous one collided with the the succeeding problem. It's hard to stop them from coming, and they are too fast approaching for me to think of any greater solution. As they fall, the chance of high hopes and high expectations are left for risk.

I'm not sure if it's July when I have asked myself how I am feeling towards someone and if it's really August when I finally concluded and accepted to myself that I am feeling something strong and will powered. Until this very moment I am stringing words together, I am very much assured that the feeling never changed lesser, in fact, it grows, every single minute, just as fast as the dominoes colliding. That certain feeling of affection for someone is overpowering the rest of my plans, my goals and my problems.

I feel like I lost everything once it's gone and so I can't get it out of my system. How I really wish I know how to quit the feeling. But I just can't, regardless of the reason that I am so tired. I'm becoming insane of doing the good thing for the wrong reason. I'm really tired, literally and emotionally. But yea, I'm like a machine that can't stop, unless unplugged.

And how can I be unplugged when honestly, that feeling is the exact same feeling that keeps me going. The very same feeling that's pulling me down is actually also the same one that's keeping me holding on. And perfectly, the feeling have joined force with my other problems and bang! They are now invincible.

School are getting fucked up now, as if there's no chance of me, getting to graduate this year at all, adding the completion days for my OJT, my family problems and my own personal mayhem and now this, trying to segregate the feeling from the real time futuristic problems. But it cannot. The only thing that's getting segregated from one another is my soul and my ability to think for the answers.

Lately, all I am thinking of is not to go on anymore, forget everyone, forget everything and start over. But then how? Every beginning feels like goodbye. And with that man that holds my heart, he's not making this easy. Well, I thought he should know because he's cold for days now :(


All I am now left to remember is the importance of these problems, for it brings me closer to God. I know he loves me, and he's just testing my strength. So I'm asking my sanity to never let go.


Never ever.

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As I was reading my previous entries on my other Blog accounts, I have nearly cried because I miss my old self. I mean, I miss my younger days, specifically the years when my life revolve around studies and RAKISTA.COM. I could not hardly imagine what will I become if it wasn't for that uber extraordinary online community who have adopted me from the very beginning. Frankly admitting, I almost learned every details of becoming a literate virtual world tenant inside this "Tahanan ng Rakistang Pinoy" :)


But more to that, I miss the times when I only have Arvee as my beautiful bestfriend and my classmates as the staffs. We will hangout after class, eat at some budget friendly restaurants, we'll plan about saving our money so that by the weekend, we'll go to Divisoria and we'll buy clothes and on the mall to feed our craving for make ups. Life is simple when we are together. Then I have Ronie as my very object of affection, my almost lover, my dream boy, my inspiration, my half life. During those times, life is very simple, very very simple. I go to school to study, I'm a full scholar, president of our Student Government, only have one buddy (Arvee) and one inspiration (Ronie) and no conflicts.


Of course, somehow in the back of my mind, I have my dreams. Arvee and I have enormous dreams. Dreams like, we'll go bar hopping, we'll find better set of friends, we'll explore beyond life's limits. Sometimes, we thought, life will get better if we will look for something that we haven't achieved yet just by the two of us. By that moment, we nearly realized that we are both boring as time goes by.


Alongside with the dreams, I have been exploring the virtual world alone. I became an inactive member of my first ever online community. I take chances to join different communities online. I wander and wonder. I make friends with people with standards that ranges so high that I can't even reach it, even if with Arvee's help.

AND THINGS STARTED TO GET OUT OF HAND.

Everytime I go online or hangout with Arvee, hanging questions started to formulate most of time like "What If's?" and "Who Knows?". And that's the moment, when I also predicted that we are going to dream, bigtime. You know, when people start to dream, they start to face one pressure, to change, either for better or for worse. How drastic it may be, it will still be like that. And that's what exactly happened to us.


We started "living the dream". We started saving bigger amounts of money because we want to have much better clothes, better makes up, better recreation of ourselves in favor of all the people whom I've met online. "We will be like them someday" we told ourselves. Arvee and I put up schedules and plans. Because she's beautiful, we'll use her charm to have good looking friends with experiences we haven't done yet, then we'll be able to go bar, we'll be able to be someone we are not. We have the dream, and we're living it, and the consequence was no longer far behind us. Actually, it is right there with us from the moment we decided to dream. We have changed.


Suddenly, I lost contact with Ronie. I find him no more interesting at all. I even felt like not to say "hi" to him every time I see him at school. Everything, slowly but definitely started to change around me. I barely recognized myself. The feeling was awkward, but it was good. It was good when I feel like I'm becoming someone that my friends are not. I'm changing. From the usual one to two hours of staying online, it suddenly turns into three hours as my minimum. Getting online became a neccesity to me.


And if you're going to ask if we are happy? Yes we are. People from different lifestyles started to approach me online, they talk to me, they started telling me they love me. Thus the dream became a game. A game of who are real and who will survive.


I instantly christened as INAH EVANS of the virtual world. From my first ever pseudonym slash RAKISTA.COM username: DOLPHINA where "Inah" came from and EVANS because of Ashley Tisdale's character in Hig School Musical as Sharpay "Evans", a new me was introduced to crowd that accepted newcomers. I also joined several online subgroups which only feature people with quality picture or as I may say, quality editing.


And I got envious, I also researched, studied and read a lot for me to be able to edit my own picture. Then it happened. In a short span of time, I was able to imitate the people I've dreamed of. The dream was becoming more of a reality and the game started to became superfluous. The trend was on.


As we are about to get the dream by hand, Arvee suddenly left me because she had no other choice. She got pregnant. And the dream was there all along, with me alone.


What's left with me were my self made online group named Brutal Glam [The Explicit Menagerie] where I have added QUEEN to my name due to it's Castle theme and a very little bit of hope of enforcing a new aura to my nick.

Without Arvee was like discarding the rest of my remaining old me.


And so it happens.


I continue living the dream and playing the hard game. Just as I have learned how to put a proper black line above my eyelashes using a liquid eyeliner, I also learned how to fake everything just to make everything look good. I have encountered a lot of vicious vain people. People with exotic view of life. People who praises wealth. People who loves drug. People who will love me because they need me and people who disguised lust as love.

Suddenly, I find myself drinking liquors with different colors that are well presented with a sexy stirrer. I find myself surrounded by great looking people who have great compassion for material things and earthly vices. I find myself calculating my grades and got evaluated by the Dean and dropped me into a fifty percent scholar. I find myself lying to have excuse, lying to have more money, lying to get away by night, lying to save someones life. I find myself becoming senseless into a senseless becoming.

Everything seems to be a quick faced thriller movie. With just a snap, I became a 21st century queen at the same time, a medieval jester and a jack of all trade. I became so new and not so me. Suddenly, the mask I'm wearing became my face.


Everything about me became more complicated. Being inactive at rakista.com and then Arvee being pregnant plus me alone? A recreated self confessed slut of whatever things. The whatever slut, the Brutal Glam Queen, the INSERT-YOUR-WHATEVER-TAG-HERE. I became someone's doll and worst, favorite blog topic.


The dream lives on and the game continues. For the record that I can still remember, it's almost more than three years since.
















And I'm still standing after all.

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I have made a Tagalog free versed poem dedicated to all the love that live with us. I hope you'll feel the emotion as you read it, the very same way I have felt while typing every word of this poem

Here it is.



Mga Kwento ng Pagpapanggap at Paglimot
ni Inah Evans



Naniniwala sa mga pangakong kahit siya ay hindi sigurado
Kahit nasasaktan,bakit kunwari hindi
Sa tuwing iniiwan ay laging umaasa na babalikan
Ang bawat minuto ng bawal na pag ibig ay parang tama naman
Kailan pa naging ganito ang magmahal
Na kahit paulit ulit na lang pinagmumukhang tanga
Para bang hindi natututo, hindi nadadala
At bakit hindi mo naririnig ang bawat tibok ng puso ko
Na wala na halos ibang hinangad kundi ang maangkin mo
Bakit kailangang may mga pagkakataong mapalagpas
At ang mga pangarap na hindi maaabot kahit panandalian lamang
Bakit kailangang may isang katulad mo
Kung saan mahuhulog ako, kahit hindi ko ginusto
Tapos ay aalagaan mo ako, tatanggapin, papasayahin
Ipaparamdam na parang mayroon nga akong halaga
Na sa bandang huli naman ay lalabas lang na masyado akong umasa
Bakit may mga desisyon akong hindi ko mapanindigan
Lahat ng balak na pagbabago, hanggang salita lang
Saan ba maaaring ikubli ang emosyon
Para 'di ko na maisip pang ginagawa mo ito dahil ayaw mo akong masaktan,
Para naman hindi ko na mararamdaman pang minahal kita
Sa lahat ng sandaling lalapit ka
Para kahit kailan, paulit ulit mo man akong saktan
Hindi na ako iiyak pa muli
Hindi na ako aasa pang kahit na minsan ay mamahalin mo rin nga ako sa paraang gusto ko
Pinakamahirap na bahagi ba talaga ang lumimot
Lalo na sa kagaya mong nag iwan ng kakaibang sugat sa puso ko
Na hindi agad agarang gumagaling
Hindi nahihilom ng luha, hindi nagagamot ng salita
Hindi napepeke ng tadhana, hindi nalulunasan ng paglimot sa diwa
Kung sakaling maglaho man ang sakit
Kapag nag iisa ay siya pa ring bumabalik
Kumikirot sa tuwing nakikita ka
Nananariwa ang pagkakamali ng lahat
Kahit kailan, hindi ko pa rin magawang ikaw ay talikuran
Dahil sa tuwing gagawin ko iyon
Nababasag ako sa loob
Ano mang pagpapanggap ang ipilit ko
Nananatili akong alipin ng pagmamahal ko sa 'yo
Naalala ko ang mga dating pangako
Mga dating kuwento ng pagpapanggap at paglimot.




:(


And it's Lester, that I still love the most. :|

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If living is all about loving and losing is a part of loving, how can we continue living once we lose someone, worst, if we have lose ourselves for someone? How can one continue to love?

When we lost someone/something/somebody and we tend up to be an optimist, we always have this thought with us, “If God takes something away, he replaces something better“. We always make ourselves believe that there will be a replacement to what have been lost. And to the extend, a replacement of something better. When we lost something really special, just to save ourselves from dismay and regrets, we will look up on finding something much greater than what we have lost. Honestly, that’s when the real problem takes in. We expect.

But on the process, sometimes, there’s no replacement. No another him or her. No new whatever. There’s no better thing. We keep on waiting but to no avail, we’ll just disappoint ourselves. The worst part of this is that, when we think that there’s no something better because the one we’ve lost was the best one. For some instances it can be, but about the other truth of losing someone, it can not.

The only constant fact about losing something/someone is for you to realize that you have let go, either willingly or unknowingly something/someone that you don’t want yet to be out of your reach. As the best all time quote about losing, ” You will not realized what you have missing until it’s lost” and that is exactly the main reason why we crave for a replacement for someone/something that has been lost, because we don’t want to feel the certain feeling of loneliness of something/someone that have slipped away.

But what will happen to your story when the climax for the arrival of the replacement was suddenly clipped out of the chapter? Most of you might think that it must be the end. But actually, if you visualize deeper over your story and scanned out the previous entries, you will realized that it’s not a bad ending after all.

Here’s the cheese, sometimes, we lose someone/something, just for us to realized what we already have all along. The cycle of having new things in life is as simple like this, You have A, it’s hip, it’s in, you love it, but after a while, B arrived, which is way different than A, still hip, still in and you fall in love with it. A will be just an option while B is your priority. Once B is lost, you’re going to wait for C, thinking it will be better. But what happened to A?

Most of the time, what we are really looking for are just right under our nose. We lose something/someone and end up realizing how worthy those things/people who have been there in the background. It can be called as a blessing in disguise but it’s really more likely that way.

Losing is not all about searching for a new one but perhaps, looking back on what we already have. Sometimes, being contented with what God have gave us made us more of a valuable person and refrained us from losing anything important to us. When we start to feel like what we have is actually what we need, we lose the desire of having more than enough. With that, we are losing something we don’t really need– the excessive desire. On the halfway, we have been reunited to something/someone who appreciates us more than what/who we have lost.

Remember the forwarded take messages that “There are always reason why people in my past didn’t make it to my future” Do not always put the blame on you whenever you lose someone/something. If it/he/she is really important to you, of course you wouldn’t do anything that will makes you separated with it/him/her, would you? So, it’s not always about you. And remember, everything happens for a reason. Smile for at least, you still have any. And not just any, but worthy “any” because even though you have new ones until the day you’ve lost them, the old one still remains.

What you need is an efficient time to look back, pick it up again and not just start but continue your untold chapter with your previous important something/someone that deserves more of your time, your energy and above all rest, your love.

Let’s get going, I guess.

Trust me. I've lost more than that I can handle, and this time, I'm going to fight for you, my ever dearest background.

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(TIP: Read this while listening to Somebody’s Me by Enrique Iglesias)

We met a lot of people. Almost all kind on different days. You may have met people who enjoyed being tortured, people who loves listening to loud music, people who can’t live without drinking liquor or smoking (weeds) or even people who is fond of reading blog entries, yeah, different kind of people. But somewhere in the middle of the process, no matter how many different people we met everyday, there is someone, who even after a million new faces, will still be remembered in a very special way.

I have someone like him.

And I think, each of us must have someone who we are going to remember every second of our lives. What is more fascinating than to have our own reason to smile just by simply remembering his name?

I've met him online ( like almost all of you of course!) despite the fact that he is actually a relative of an old friend. I just can’t remembered if he PMed me first or if I did. But whichever way was, all I know is we started hanging out together with my friends and I never liked him before.

And blah blah blah.

That "him" I was referring to is someone who have changed me in almost every aspect of my life.

Maybe I’ll tell you our complete story some other time but for this entry, I am going to teach one important lesson in life.

Do you know when to know that you have someone who will forever be remembered?

You know it’s him when you want him as a friend. When I say friend, it means, you want him to be with you when you are lonely. You want him to be around when you are on your big day or even simply having him beside you, just doing nothing. You want him when everything is so corny. You want everything that will makes him happy, even if it includes you or not.

Second is, you are afraid to lose him. Imagine losing something you can’t have again? Well, if that's the case, he must be someone that you know in yourself, that can never ever be replaced.

Third, he may be someone you will forever remember when you know that when you start remembering him, you will remember a lot of things. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad but those are memories you always looked back on. Sweet.

And lastly, forget about the three answers I gave because summing it all up is as simple like this…

You’ll know that he is that someone who you will be forever remembered when you have LOVE him the way you have never love someone like that before or simple being happily stupid.

If he is not with you by now, you should be thankful that you had him before, maybe once or twice, but it won’t matter in the end. At least he have given you so much memories. Memories are that good to be savored because they are the only thing that doesn’t change when everything else does.

And if he is still with you, YOU MUST ALWAYS REMEMBER HIM. The way he smells on the first time, the way he smile and how the way he always wants you to be. Because you never know, it can be someday soon that both of you will be back as strangers to each other again. Change is constant and it is instant, most of the time.

Change is a non moving thing that even time can’t defeat. And who said that love conquers all? I don’t really think so.

When someone changed, even if he means a lot, if he can’t be the one you used to know, you have to let go. How painful it could get, the only choice you have for salvation is acceptance. There can be lies we can adopt to continue hanging on, but it won't be for good.

Just remember that you have him way back, when you are still someone in his life. Change is constant, you may never know, tomorrow, you'll be back on asking each other's number again.

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When it's time to choose between the person who made you and the person who accepted your becoming, which would you choose? Which heart are you going to break for deliverance? And how far would you push to prove yourself that what you have become is still the remains of what you were, and that nothing really changed?

I was looking at him.

Adoring his face. How could this sharp nosed man with expressive eyes have captured the rest of me. I was looking at him and wondering what is he becoming now. He doesn’t seem to be the old him I used to know. The old him who is so weak and easy to tremble. He seems to have changed now, a lot than what I have expected him to be. He is so new. So strong that he can managed to make me weak.

I was looking at him but he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking on the other side. He was silent and only his eyes can tell what’s going on inside him. His eyes glimmered, tears are formulating. Just formulating.

I asked him why he is about to cry but he have save himself with senseless alibi. I knew him, I will always knew him. And I know that he is lying. But it doesn’t matter. What matter to me is what we have become.

I am becoming senseless over his senseless becoming. I am looking at him, he wasn’t looking at me but he is about to cry. When I turn to see whom he is looking at, I saw this person. The person who have torn my heart, insulted my image and everything that lies between the two. That someone is the same someone he love at the moment. His new found friend. And I hate it, I hate the feeling. That’s the bottomline.

A couple of months ago, I was also looking at him while he was crying. He could not control his tears that time and that was the moment that I felt like I am the only person that could carry his burden. So I am really surprised that he can control his tears now.

He may be stronger. Stronger enough to take me for granted. For a second there, I have been visualizing what the scene is trying to imply. Life is never been really easy. Full of unexpected twist. If the twist doesn’t break you, it will make you stronger. I am almost of the edge of breaking, until he spoke

"Hindi ako umiiyak, may ano lang sa mata ko"

He is lying. Trying to save the conversation. But apparently, it wasn’t going to be like that. I have loved him, yet he left me for uncertain reasons. Stupid alibis like he’ll be looking for himself. But why not search it with me? Crumpled ideas are started to get recycled by that time.

He is lying to save himself from destructing me. But what kind of good does lie can offer? Temporary goods. In the process, it will squeeze out the juice out of the pumpkin. Sad to say, my pumpkin had its early orgasm.

And instead of breaking, I became a little stronger. A little tougher to face the person I love who seems to be the person who will be used as a bait for my downfall. I have been blinded by love that I haven’t seen what he have become but now, I can see it clearly.

Yeah yeah, even the best one breaks. So prepare a pair of hanky. You are going to cry harder after this Gentleman. This time, I hope you can still control your tears. It will be going a lot harder for the both us, but it is supposed to happen, because you chose to break my heart. Now, it’s time for us to realize how important we are on each others life.

We love each other aren’t we? That’s why this will happen.

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I have this guilt inside me that I have tried to keep for over some months since I have learned to love too much. Too much that I have forgotten everything around me. I forgot myself. My worth. Almost my life. My world simply revolve inside his own world. And too bad, I haven't done anything to help myself from falling too deep into his depth without knowing who'll going to catch me in the end. I just make believe that there are chances. But I forgot there are more risks behind it.



Still, I took my chance. Yea, I'm so into him. I love him more than anyone else in my life. True. At first, I thought I was doing OK all along, and that I can handle it. For what it's worth, love is just a state of mind. I'm perfectly fine despite the fact of impossibilities. I still insisted that he's going to love more or less, in the process. For I have love him even before I realized that I do. I forgot the world where we are. A world full of misconceptions and laws that they believe were right. And the worst part of it, he is living in that kind of world and he disobeys the law, just like me and the state of mind feeling was suddenly out of control. Imbalanced and foolish.



In my own epilogue, I was empty. A hollow heart. I am left with absolutely nothing but pain, self-pity, insecurities, guilt and rejection. The chance I have taken before was now a souvenir of my failure. A self inflicted memory that for once in my life during the making, I became a slave inside other's heart. That in my past and in my becoming, I am my own self pain flicker.



But who shall I blame? I guess there's no one responsible for all of this. I never wanted this. I never force myself to love him and him to care for me to light up the hope. But still I have taken chances and completely forgot all about the risk. And this is the risk, the reality and the consequence. That too much love leads to disappointment. Sometimes, it must be that way, you must get hurt to know you're loving too much. Too much that we tend to make believe that eventually, they're going to love us back. Despite of the truth that they will never reciprocate anything for everything. Never.


And like what the recent movie I have watched says, 'that's the ugly truth'.



PS.
O 'di ba, nagmoment ang lola mo. Hehe.

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So, a chat conversation with Nana(?), Lester's greatest admirer, I guess. You can view his profile here and Lester, over here

Nana

BUZZ!!!
Nana: oi
Inah: Yep?
Nana: ewan kuh lan kung totoo
Nana: un.!
Inah: Alin?
Nana: kcii ung mga ciinabeh ni lester saken..
Inah: Ano?
Nana: ung ki noment muh saken
Inah: Ha?
Nana: Hahaha. What? I don't like Lester, hey.
Nana: ayan sabeh muh saken.. !
Inah: Ah.
Nana: ngaun lan.!
Inah: Oo nga.
Nana: 1
Inah: Bakit ano sabi sa 'yo ni Lester?
Nana: na anuh daw.!
Inah: Na?
Nana: na mahal muh daw xa.!
Inah: :-o
Nana: pinag seselos nia nga aq ee.!!
Nana: hahha
Nana: 22o un alang keme.!!
Nana: inah
Inah: Ha, ano sabi?
Inah: Papano sinabi? Adik y'un.
Nana: rnong ka mag salita ng gay language.?
Inah: Yup.
Nana: ang kuda ng otoko na anis daw che.!!
Nana: mahal chibas muh daw xa.!!
Nana: hehehe!
Nana: bkla din kea aq.!!
Inah: I know, and I don't care.
Inah: So, pa'no ka niya pinagseselos?
Nana: tarai ni bakal.!
Nana: bakla
Nana: basta ewan kuuh
Nana: para nmang galit ka saken ee.!!
Inah: Hindi ako galit a. :)
Inah: Ganito lang talaga ako, huwag mo masyado karirin. :P
Inah: Pinagseselos ka pero 'di mo alam kung papano.
Nana: hehehe.!!
Nana: ndi ganito kc un..!!
Nana: kineme kuh c lester na brutal n aq.!!
Nana: pus
Nana: sabeh nia
Nana: papatanggal kita sa bebe kuh..!!
Nana: tapos sabeh kuh nmn
Nana: mag anuh ba kau.!
Nana: sabeh nmn nia
Nana: BF nia aq bakit.?
Nana: kala nmn nia mag seselos aq sa kanya..!!
Nana: huh,.!!
Nana: sorri xia.!
Inah: Sinabi niya 'yon? :-O
Nana: opo.!!
Inah: OK, e 'di BF ko na rin siya :))
Nana: bf muh ba xa.?
Inah: Sabi niya 'di ba?
Nana: ewan kuh lan.
Nana: kung 22o un.?
Nana: na cnabeh nia na gf ka daw nia.!
Nana: sabeh kuh nga..!
Nana: an tarai nmn ni inah.!
Nana: bf nia ung mahal q..!
Nana: !hahah
Inah: Nye. Ano mataray du'n?
Nana: lumaki nmn ung ulo nia.!!
Inah: Wow. Don't worry, iniingatan ko naman 'yung mahal mo. :>
Nana: hahaha
Nana: haha!
Nana: puki muh.!!
Nana: di kuh n xa mahal.!
Nana: nakaraan na un..!!
Nana: at di na maibabalik!
Inah: Where did you get that "puki mu?"
Nana: haha
Inah: Oh, OK. Ako rin, 'di ko siya mahal. :)
Nana: haha
BUZZ!!!
Nana: oi
Nana: tulog n?
Inah: Huh?
Nana: kala kuh tuolog k na.?
Nana: hehhe
Inah: Not yet.
Nana: anung oras ka of..??
Inah: Hindi ko pa alam.
Nana: pag off k na
Nana: unta na aq kila lester..!!
Inah: Oh. Mamaya pa ako, go ahead.
Inah: Kamusta mo ako.
Nana: kk..!!
Nana: anuh sabhin kuh sa kanya??
Nana: hay naku
Nana: galit na galit saken un lester na un.!!
Inah: Sabihin mo, hi sabi ni Inah, nu'ng GF mo.
Inah: Bakit galit?
Nana: kapag me friend aq na friend na din.
Nana: parang gusto nia mag kaiba kame ng friend?
Nana: hahaha
Nana: ewan khu dun sa baklan un.!
Inah: Ha?
Nana: lagi nalng galit..!!
Nana: pag me kilala xa na kilala kuh din..!!
Nana: hahaha
Inah: Ah.
Nana: pero talga minhaal kuh un..!!
Inah: Mahal ka lang nu'n.
Nana: halos pakamatay aq.!!
Inah: Minsan, pupunta ako diyan sa inyo
Nana: sorri..!!
Inah: Inom tayo
Nana: kila lester?
Inah: Baka sa birthday ko.
Inah: Oo, kung pwede pumunta.
BUZZ!!!
Nana: ou sabhin kuh sakn ya.!
Nana: oi me cp ka b?
Inah: Yes
Nana: hmp txt muh xa.!!
Inah: Ikaw na
Nana: ee
Nana: ayaw kea nun mag reply..!!
Nana: hahah!
Inah: E 'di in person.
Nana: korek ka dyan!!
Nana: hahah
Nana: sorii.!
Nana: me ka chat aq na pogi.!
Nana: pilipino.!
Nana: haha!
Inah: Oh. Good for you.
Nana: pinapakita nia ung nutring nia.!!
Nana: hahaha.!
Nana: puki muh.!
Inah: Enjoy
Nana: anung tingin muh sa ken ala BF haha.!
Nana: kaw
Nana: bakla
Nana: me tanong aq sayu!
Inah: I did not say anything.
Nana: wag ka magalit ahh
Inah: OK?
Nana: naka buking k na.?
Nana: :))
Inah: What do you mean by that?
Nana: ala lan.!
Nana: kcii papa buking itis otoko ee.!!
Inah: Oh,.
Nana: boyaw nia daw saken ee.!
Nana: bet nia daw sa iba.!!
Nana: hha
Inah: OK
Nana: tanong kuh lan nmn ee.!!
Nana: if ayaw muh sagutin di wag.?
Nana: pero kung gusto muh hhaha.?
Inah: Ano ba tanong mo kasi.
Nana: naka buking ka n ba?
Nana: alam muh ung buking.?
Inah: Yea.
Nana: hmp.!
Nana: aq din marami ka na?
Inah: Hahaha.
Inah: I'm sorry.
Nana: bakit.?
Inah: Wala lang, I'm not making myself clean or anything but I just don't want to talk about those stuff.
Nana: okie!!
Nana: bkla cgeu na
Nana: unta n aq kila lester.!!
Nana: gue gue..1!
Nana: ingatz,.!
Inah: OK. Ikamusta mo na lang ako.
Nana: OPO
Nana: korek ka dyan!!
Inah: Maraming salamat. :)
Nana: okie,



Yes, of course I know, Lester is joking. Having his good time.

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I have spent almost 3 hours, trying to relocate my files because my Flash Disk (Students, not Flash Drive, because Flash Drive is where you insert the Flash Disk.) has been almost corrupted. Well, nearly. There are these stupid folders named as i, ii and iii which keep on reappearing everytime I erased them, and even made my other files to have its own prompt box everytime I click on it. So, having the phobia of being disk corrupted, I moved my files to my email, to Multiply and to Photobucket. And I it was hours too late when I realized that all I need it to erase the virus, restart the computer and pooooof! Everything went back to normal.

However, in between my battle for securing my files, I have already downloaded and watched the latest episodes of 90210 and Gossip Girl. All I can say is, they get better every week.

Now I'm running late. I have no sleep yet and I'm going to have some because I still have an OJT at the Vice Mayors Office in Quezon City Hall. I have to go and I'll catch you all soon enough.


PS.
It was so nice having morning chat with Bebeboy Joshoa and my superfriend Loves Dela Costa, OMG, she's coming back! :D


PPS.
Can somebody fetch me later? My OJT ends by 5PM. Vice Mayors Office, Quezon City Hall. :)

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Good evening Raindrops. Here's a poem :(

Strangers
by Inah Evans




It was an old long story over told
About forbidden promises and blank hopes
My favorite one, I have ought
But now it seems to be so different

There was you, the unmistakable lie
Which I have love for the longest time
Through your eyes, I thought you've love me too
But you just cared after all

We've told ourselves we're different
That only us understand our means
We thought to be inseparable
But what happened now?

Now we are acting like strangers to each other
With no past that never measured the tears
We're basically loosing up the hold
But you've promised not to let go

I guess you never know
How much the pain of rejection is hurting me through
How can someone so close to my heart
Have just became a familiar face I barely recognize?

Where are all the shooting stars
We've wished to catch as they fall?
Where are the promises now
Like you said you'll never let go?

0 COMMENT (S)

These previous weeks, I have been a waste. Though I have experienced Malate again after one month and have enjoyed the luxury of sleeping, of eating, of resting, I have almost forgotten, I am still a student. A graduating one. :|


One of my Professor insisted on bringing my mother for her to show my attendance record. Out of 18 meetings, I only attended 5. Most of those, I'm late. My Mom was of course, like any other Mom, surprised (and angry, I'm not sure). Especially when she knows that I always go out and she always give me money for school. But the truth is, I go out with a lot of clothes and stayed in my friend's house, and sleep and rest and eat until the day waived goodbye.


I also have this trouble regarding my OJT hours. What seems to be a 486 hours OJT time that I must complete is still a hanging 100 something hours that I have just finished. Checking of the daily time record will be at the end of the first semester and my ID in the office will expire this December. It's hopeless to hope for the best because I know in myself that I won't even make it. Calculating the remaining days when I can attend my OJT, it will not meet the unbelievable 486 hours. It's very shameful to show up in my OJT Office (which happens to be the Legislative Section of The Office Of The Vice Mayor of Quezon City, in Quezon City Hall) because I have been absent for almost month(s) I think, if you'll summed up all my absences. So basically I am in trouble, big trouble. The trouble of being not able to graduate this year.


The rest of my family depends on me. My Mom, my Dad and sister coined me as the breadwinner, but for myself, am I? All I know is that I'm a waste lately. I'm feeling so lazy, so sleepy, so tired all the time. Might have well blame my stupid body clock. I'm all up during the night and sleeping all day. Nocturnal I guess? Or whatever.


Moreover, twinned to my problem is another problem out of school. I am facing this stereotypical love stuff. And it's very irritating to realized that it's making me unhealthy about my priorities and goals in life. Sucker has it that I can give pieces of wonderful advice to my friends when in real life, I can't even give one to myself, or if ever I have one, I can't even use it. So now I'm twisted about my problems becoming a major disaster for myself, my future and to those people who believes in me.


With my birthday coming nearer and nearer (October 24), I feel like I'm getting older without getting matured. Because if I am matured, I will handle things, the mature way. :( Sometimes, I act like a high school teeny buffer that create disaster all the time. Oh God, please give me wisdom.

Now, from this day on, I promise to myself, that starting on Monday, I'll attend my OJT, no matter how humiliating it will be, I will be matured enough to accept it, never ever skipped class, and will adjust my body clock. *crossed fingers

It's 5:30AM on the clock and I have class by 7AM. I have to bounce. Good Lord, I am late again. :(








PS.
Hope Lester is doing OK. Been days since we last talked.


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I miss you Blogspot like ambush blowjobs. :P

It has been really quite a long while since I have posted my last entry. Two typhoons have hit the Philippines, I was a victim of the first one, the one named Ondoy. Secrets were revealed to me that changed my view about everything that's making me happy. Lies took place. A lot of pretending roles was forcibly given to me. An uncertain flow of days continue to roll without delay, that screw the remaining hopes inside me.


OK, first thing first. What happened to me during the first day visit of Ondoy. I was in school, around 9AM I guess, on a stupid Saturday. No sleep since the day before. Well, that's my technique for me to be able to attend my morning classes, to not to sleep the whole night before. To my dismay, it was a little too late when I found out that we have no classes in the morning that Saturday. Alongside with that news comes the rain. Since I was in the second floor of our building, I thought it's just a typical rain on a typical day. But when me and my two other classmates decided to go home, it was way too late for us to be able to catch up with the reality of the situation. The rain was hitting the whole spot so hard, floods are rushing in, people were already stranded and there were no any suitable vehicles to jump in, well, if there's any, it's either full or not accepting passengers anymore. It was horrible. We got so soaked and wet until 12noon, waiting for any means of transportation that will allow us to hop on. But unfortunately, there's none. So we decided to eat our lunch first on a Chowking nearby. After finishing our lunch, we stayed a little longer to have ourselves at least to be dry even a bit. Around 1PM, we have decided to face the cruelty of the typhoon. When we went out of the food chain, we are still unable to find any bus, cab or jeepney. Wrestling with the wind, we have finally spotted a jeepney that will only bring us on the major highway maybe just 1 kilometer away from our place. Without any second thought, we ride in. As we travel, we have witnessed the real horror of the calamity. Floods are everywhere to be seen and stranded people are almost in every sight.


When we have reached the unloading spot of the jeepney, another problem rises again. There's a lot of stranded vehicles there, vehicles of every kind because halfway of the long road is under 4 feet flood. We are stranded and I almost felt hopeless.


Then I prayed.


Then there's an air conditioned private bus lurking its way out of the mayhem suddenly stops and people started to beg the driver to let us ride on the bus and we'll be inside the bus until the bus find a way out. Hardheaded at first, finally the driver let us ride on the bus. It took 3 hours for the driver to find its way out of the tumultuous heavy traffic and great flood along the streets.

I was unloaded in front of Trinoma where in I've discovered that it's a bigger challenge for me to find a cab home when EDSA had almost became a very long parking lot. So, I decided to go inside Trinoma, clean myself from the flood dirt, retouch my overly washed make up and to regain hope in myself that I'll be able to get out of this calamity, safe and sound. I am shivering when I browse the mall inside. A lot of stores are closed and people are moving outside. I felt so weak that I have got the last full show of 'KimmyDora' which is scheduled around 5:45PM. The mall is closing early because of the typhoon.

After watching the movie, I went out of the mall, only to find out that almost the entire metro became a ghost town. It was quiet and the rain is pouring mildly enough for me to walk into the streets without using my umbrella. For the first time in my life, I have heard EDSA sleep. Together with the stranded vehicles. I rushed my way to West Avenue and I have walked and waited there for a cab. After how many minutes, a cab driver agreed to take me out of that abyss, but he'll take me only somewhere in Pantranco, Quezon Avenue where floods aren't that high.

When I reached Quezon Avenue, the darkness scared me. It was a total darkness and people are walking silently, maybe even uncertain where they are going. I fight the feeling of weakness, hopelessness and fear. All that's in my mind that time to get home. While walking, I've tried to turn on my phone which is all wet and battery empty. It opened for a while, but as I typed my message to my Pie Adrian, it went off again. I haven't barely notice that I have walked long enough, I was crossing Scout Chuatoco St when all of a sudden, I came faced to faced with Adrian.


That is quite hard to believe, yes it is. Because even I can't believe that I am infront of the exact friend that I need that moment. So I hugged Adrian and he was really a salvation. He was also walking, just wandering around because he was stuck at St. Peter Chapel which is near Scout Chuatoco St. because the burial of his friend was delayed.


So, after I got some minutes rest, Adrian accompanied me on my journey home, that we even crossed a muddy chest high flood in Quezon Avenue until we reached Welcome Rotonda. The rain started falling hard and again, I am soaked in rain. We ended up at KC's house somewhere in Ibarra, Dapitan, which is too, soaked in flood. Lucky for KC's house that wasn't reached by the flood. There's no electricity that time but I feel energize enough to see the caring faces of our friends there which offer us food and allow us to take a long time shower.

It was almost 1:00AM when I realized that I am finally safe and has refrained from shivering.


Thank you Lord for giving me extraordinary friends like Adrian and KC during in times of need.

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